I’m Thinking of Going Back to the Military or at Least a Govt. Job

I was going to put a picture here, but I decided that I didn’t want the algorithm pushing this story to be read. I’m sort of just writing this one just for me if I’m honest.

But maybe what I write can influence someone, in whatever way that might push them.

I’m tired, it comes down to just that; I’m very tired, and I’m tired of pretending. If you’ve even skimmed some stuff I’ve written where I get a little personal or follow my Twitter, then you know this is the first time I’ve had a crisis of faith.

I’ve had more trauma in my life after leaving the military than I ever did before it, and I’m just really tired. I’m tired of not being seen, heard, or validated in any sort of way. I’m very tired, I’m tired of academia/academics and I’m tired of pretending I care about that world in general.

I sold out once in order to do what I thought I needed to survive, I can do it again.

This isn’t some manifesto before I go on some incel killing spree, or me saying I’m going to take my own life. This is me just giving up, I give up; You win universe, I give up completely now.

I’ll do my job, I’ll follow orders and I’ll stop trying to make any sort of meaningful change in the world, or in my life. Between academia/academics shunning me, and everyone else telling me I have to just bear the bullshit…I’m honestly broken more now than I ever had been in boot camp.

Law school wasn’t the final straw, nor was it grad school. It was really just, nothing…nothing was the final straw. Except for April 22, 2022; the day I realized my father never really grew up.

From the time I left the military in June of 2012, I promised myself I’d never go back under any circumstance. Well, now I’m seriously considering breaking that promise to myself. It’s guaranteed work, which means guaranteed income; And I never have to step foot in a University ever again.

It’s not even about the money, I’m just so tired; I’m so tired and the world just doesn’t let up on me. It hasn’t let up on me since I was a kid, except for when I joined the military.

Sure, it’s hard work; and there’s a lot of verbal abuse that goes on. But I don’t even mind it anymore, I’ve been yelled at by people I thought wouldn’t do that. I’ve been gaslit by family (& people I thought were close friends) for far too long, I’m just….tired. I’m so tired and I’m tired of pretending.

I’ve been writing on this platform for a while now, been through some ups and some downs since I have. One thing that hasn’t changed, is the fact that I still get paychecks in cents from readership on here. I don’t know if by the time I publish this article if my book will have been uploaded to Amazon for some income, but honestly, it probably doesn’t even matter.

I’m still broke, and my family is falling apart at the seams already; Not like the family that I chose, the family I was born into. And man am I TIRED of being the one that bears the burden of keeping this together, of being the one that is the bigger person. I’d rather just leave again, it felt so good the first time I did it.

For sure, I’ve resigned myself to getting a vasectomy by the time I’m 40; I don’t see a point in creating more children that will suffer even half as much as I have. So they can get depressed and contemplate suicide too? No, thank you.

When I started writing I identified as a sort of anarchist I suppose, and there are still parts of me that ascribe to that label. But I’m beginning to doubt most, if not all, political philosophies; Including ones I thought had at least mostly truth to them. This means I don’t know if the abolishment of the state is a good idea anymore, I mean the state at least gave me a barracks to live in.

I got to eat 2 or 3 square meals a day, as long as I did what was expected of me I was ok. Had to put up with some stupid hours, but I’m about to face that going into law; It might actually be mentally healthier for me to rejoin the military at this point. I will literally be forced to be a minimalist, but I’m actually ready to do that even without the military.

I’d go back to fixing weapons, maybe designing them, maybe just teaching people how to use them. The fact that I have a J.D. and a Masters in Public Policy would mean little to me, and it would mean little to most people I’ll be working with too. Easy life, easy track.

Challenges are for people who still have hope, I don’t know if I have that anymore. I keep saying I do, but then again on April 21, 2022, I thought my dad wasn’t a literal child with the way he acts; Because I was wrong.

I probably still don’t have a diagnosis of ADHD (like I think I should), and I probably am still super broke. And I’m probably still getting bad grades in law school. I’m tired of disappointment, I’m tired of being the one that brings people out of these things.

I just want to play video games and take care of my parents until they’re dead.

A job in the government again would allow that, I could do an easy life and never have to worry about much. Other than another deployment and dying overseas, I’m actually ok with that.

I’m sure a lot of you can relate to how tired I am, I see y’all are just as frustrated too. It’s ok to resign yourself to a life of quiet servitude, with some little joys you take out of life for yourself.

I sure won’t be mad if someone resigned themselves like I’m thinking about doing. I get it honestly.

I’m also sure that even by the time I publish this, I still won’t have made a decision on the trajectory of my life. I keep telling people I have, but that’s a lie.

Really the one thing I’m sure of, is that I’m tired….pretty much every day.

Unlisted

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E. I. D. Esqueda

E. I. D. Esqueda

Writer/poet for hire and fighting game enthusiast. I’m a neurodivergent queer who is also a military veteran. I write about politics & culture sometimes.